The idea for this post, Thai Village Food – Cuisine Crimes, came about from a tongue-in-cheek post I made on Facebook group Thailand Wine & Dine. My contribution to the Pattaya based group, which gives reviews of members dining experiences in Thailand, was well received but did however question my skills as a culinary artist. I’ve published my contribution to Thailand Wine & Dine below.
Breakfast at My Place in Udon Thani
Breakfast at My Place in Udon Thani….. ‘The hungry man knows who to blame’ – words from a Steve Harley album track called All in a Life’s Work. Very appropriate words too when applied to breakfast at My Place in Udon Thani.
The sausages were truly butchered. Undercooked and rubbery not luvverly. The chicken that laid the egg probably slit her own throat seeing what her great creation created. Even the beans lost a lot of their colour when they hit the plate. The mushrooms all huddled together, bronzed and sunburnt, like hopeful immigrants in a castaway boat. Fried bread, I love fried bread. This piece splintered into a thousand razor blades at the first touch. You need thick garden gloves to eat breakfast at My Place in Udon Thani. The bacon wasn’t too bad. Maybe that’s why the mushrooms grouped next to it.
‘The hungry man knows who to blame’ – I’m to blame because this is the standard breakfast I cook at our village home in Udon Thani. I butcher it in the garden on an electric BBQ plate. That’s my main defence but there are other reasons why my first cookery book is still food for thought.
Not so long back a cobra was seen in the garden not too far from my ‘butcher’s table’. Throw in four dogs sniffing around, lizards everywhere and the kind of wildlife noises that’d give David Bellamy goose bumps, you get the picture. Not to mention the amount of bird droppings on the table and surrounding terrain that ‘dewdrop’ from the above tree. Christ knows what life hides in the tree but I pray to God, and Buddha, it’s birds… because if it’s a snake it’s a big f**ker with a considerable stomach complaint.
Breakfast at My Place in Udon Thani – not recommended.
Cookery Crimes – My Defence
As I’ve been charged with crimes against Western cooking I’d like to offer some form of defence before the jury decides its verdict.
I do most of my cooking on an electric BBQ plate (picture above), bar the odd bit of microwave heating of beans and a few other morsels. I cook everything in our garden and my eyes are as much on what’s slithering through the grass as what’s sizzling on the hot plate. I thought the picture below might help my case…. I did until I studied it.
Sausages, mashed potatoes, beans and a giant mushroom. It almost looks good enough to eat doesn’t it. I thought so until I saw the ‘gunge’ in front of the mushroom. I can’t remember what that is. I hope it didn’t fall out the tree because I ate it.
Below is a photo montage of some of the delightful dishes I’ve rustled up in our village garden. It’s my cookery portfolio and should attract a few top-end job offers. Where did I put my toque? I might need it.
Thai village food Western style
I’ll admit I’m more bottle washer than sous chef and some of the dishes above are passable at best but a few are toothsome too. Here’s the lowdown on some of those dishes.
- Hot Dogs and Onions – I love burnt onions but for some reason these were lightly sautéed. Something must have pushed my panic button and I got out the garden a bit quick. I can see the jury members licking their lips.
- Pork Steaks, Mixed Veg and Mash Potato Surprise – If a five-star hotel job offer arrives the paying guests will love this one. The Mash Potato Surprise. It looks like the inside of a tortoise shell. It actually appears to be walking off the plate too. The potato has piccalilli mixed in and tastes real good. Do you think a naked tortoise might look like that?
- Bangers and Mash with Charcoal Onions – Adorable. The onions were perfect, well charred (picture third row, on the left). The bangers and onion gravy spot on too.
- Campbell’s Thick Creamy Tomato Soup – It was very thick, and you’ll be pleased to know I didn’t fry this one. Just a quick microwave. After eating it I thought ‘jesus, that was strong tasting’. I checked the tin and it was condensed tomato soup. I hadn’t added the water.
- English Breakfast – I don’t have a lot of success with this. The bacon was overdone, the fried bread dry and the egg had more grease on it than an obese South American marathon runner. The sausages sat there grinning at me through thick rubber lips.
- Cheeseburger – Magnificent. I’m proud of this one. Lots of cheese, golden sautéed onions, a decent burger and bap. A five-star cheeseburger made by a second-rate cook?
You can always eat Thai village food
I rest my case. Am I innocent or guilty of crimes against Western style Thai village food? Up2U. Please register your verdict on the poll below.
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