My Little Oxford Dictionary records the following entry, Menagerie – collection of wild animals in captivity….. Back in the seventies the rock band Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel produced their Human Menagerie album, at the time I did not think it would take me thirty odd years to produce my own definement of those two beautifully scribed words.      

Winter time and the big bird, that winged metal tube that hits the tarmac many times a day at Suvarnabhumi International Airport has inside the answer to all those thoughtful years.Visitors to Thailand come in many shapes and sizes, and I’m going to throw in guises because I need a little poetic justice after all this time. Christmas is coming and the airlines are getting fat, the Human Menagerie’s assembling on Thailand’s welcome mat.
Long before the plane has landed the Party Animal has been in full flow knocking back the alcohol, the anaethetism will continue in good spirits for the most part of their stay in Thailand. This particular breed is generally a harmless soul perhaps returning to see a regular girlfriend and almost certain to spend all his time and money in the bars of Pattaya or Bangkok’s red light areas. The party animal is approachable and forever on hand to offer you his advice.

The Predator is next over the welcome mat. Normally hunting alone and often referred to as ” butterfly ” this beast can always be found in the same haunts as the party animal. Not generally known as a great socializer and ungenerous with advice this animal drifts from bar to bar bedding girls throughout his holiday. Unlikely to be a big drinker but very likely to be careful with his money, this mammal will always have one eye on any pretty lady wherever her commitment may lie.

The Family Herd, forever cherished and more than welcome to visit the Land Of Smiles at any time. Chiang Mai, Phuket or any of the numerous islands are the favoured grazing land of the Family Herd. Big on socializing, great listeners and fun to be around they are that early morning echo that resounds around the hotel corridor, lobby and breakfast room. A staple diet of sun, sea, swimming and snacks is enough to keep the parents and kids of the Family Herd happy, big spenders who spend with a smile they really are every hotel and tour reps dream.

The Rabbits are all mistletoe and wine with a “Just Married” sign, better known as the newly weds. The Rabbits will always be found on the islands, they smooch around in two’s kissing, cooing and cuddling, inseparable with a stack of photo’s for you to view if you slip up and leave the slightest seating space at your restaurant table. They are bubbly couples who are normally saving to buy their first warren and tend not to be the biggest spenders unless daddy’s paid for the whole shindig. Can be rather noisy in their warren at night especially as they will be in the height of their mating season. Best left alone to their own daytime cooing and nocturnal vices.

The hairs gone grey and the stomachs fuller, past forty and divorced, perhaps always been single but the Old Show Pony turns twenty at Immigration Control. With a young bar girl on the end of his arm it’s posing till closing for this normally very pleasant breed. The Old Show Pony is a kind hearted breed, very good company with a wealth of experience, a pleasant manner and a budget that attracts the more wily Thai bar girl. Predominately found in Pattaya and Bangkok the Old Show Pony will often take his young lady to an island to impress. Seeks love and attention which is acquired through the constant tapping of PIN numbers into ATM machines.

The saying goes “save the best to last” but I’ve broken the rule. The Wolf or to be more precise the Wolves because they hunt in packs are my least favoured visitors to my most favoured land. Easily recognized by their day time football shirts and cheap designer copy evening dress the Wolves are loud, boisterous and often rude, spending their whole holiday drinking until they drop. In their defense they do not generally sink to the depths of trouble and mayhem, although their general mannerisms and social behaviour leave much to be desired. They fit very snugly hand in hand with Pattaya and I refer to them as “Two Week Terrorists” because of their unruly behavior and lack of understanding towards the Thai ways and culture. They roam the bars in packs of three and upwards for the duration of their two week vacation. The Wolves descend on Pattaya every Christmas time and are best avoided.

The flying tin can does contain more good than bad but I hope you will not find yourself sat amongst the “Two Week Terrorists” during your flight to Thailand. The Human Menagerie will be coming to an airport near you very soon. Good luck and God bless the mess your airline ticket may put you in. Hoo Don.

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