The War of Silence is over (see Dog Tired ) ending without any attempted coup d’é⋅tat, only a recuperating puppy dog and a mother replenishing lost nutrients and vitamins.

Yesterday my early morning call to Ban Norn Chad, deep in Udon Thani revealed hostilities had ceased and the root cause of why it all started. A noisier form of silence has returned to our village household after the “Beast of the East,” mama, conceded defeat in the seven day war. Wonderful Wi’s war on nutrition won the day as a weakened mama was forced to seek food aid from her daughter and relinquish all rights to the TV remote control.

My regular readers will know that mama has an uncontrollable urge to become ” The Iron Lady ” of Ban Norn Chad. To achieve such high status she must first take control of our village home. The seeds of this latest hostility were planted during my recent village stay. We have three sets of keys for every lock in our house, distributed equally amongst us. Everyday Wilai and moi set off in our rented car to rape, pillage and plunder my travellers cheques at a city shopping mall or a small town oven baked market.

On each occasion Wilai locked our bedroom door and yes you’ve got it, it was always unlocked on our return. My reasoning of mama taking to daily spring cleaning our room in the midst of Thailand’s winter fell on cute death ears. My offerings of a large whisky and soda, sipped to the gentle soft chords of Isaan country music were dismissed with a bottom lipped pout and ” me no want fat come….bad mama…why she make like that.”  To responses of this nature I quickly gather my survival kit –  cigarettes, lighter, beer, bottle opener, glass, ashtray, sunglasses, and head off to the garden table. I returned to England with an uneasy peace still apparent in our home.

He arrived some time last week, Cola that is, our new puppy dog ( the little bastard  not seen him yet but can’t wait ). Cola’s family tree has a history of dutch elm, root rot and canker. He’s a real monger, a son of a soi boy mongrel and Wi thinks the sun shines out of his butt. A fourth set of keys are probably being ground as I write. In my experience it goes with out saying that young Cola would have soon employed the maximum advantages of one of his senses. His ears. I wish I could pin back my ears, flat against my head and drown out mama’s constant whining and bickering, Wilai swears he does exactly that. It was another of Cola’s senses that failed him and inadvertently started the “War of Silence.” His taste buds.

Early morning and Princess Wi was still asleep. No doubt dreaming of running off with Cola to a sun kissed island to open a restaurant, where the menu would be made up entirely from Vietnamese human body parts (see Ting Tong and Dong). Mama was up early as usual and was cooking some concoction to take to the temple. Mama decided it would make economical sense to give young Cola the leftovers from the previous evening meal. Extra spicy noodle soup. Shovel, gobble, shovel.

Wilai rose from the pit and being met by a subdued Cola she enquired to what had been on the canine breakfast menu. Realizing Cola’s insides were now as volcanic as Mount Vesuvius she gave mama a full verbal blast. The “Beast of the East ” fired a full volley back. The War of Silence had begun.

Three days and a 200 baht veterinary bill later, Cola was near to deaths door. Wilai feared Cola would soon kick the canine bucket and have to be packaged, transported to the Post Office and posted to some Hanoi backstreet restaurant. Mother and daughter were still somehow avoiding each other in a one level two bedroom house.

Wilai’s war strategy was quite simple, she cut off mama’s main food supply. Wi is the cook of the house and a fine one at that. Left to her own devices mama’s culinary skills are based around uprooting, plucking and getting her hands on anything she doesn’t have to pay for. Everything is then emptied into a once metallic now charcoaled pot and over boiled till her hunger pangs need quelling. Wi either dined in the local town or made small meals, just enough for one person and a very young pup.

Yesterday the war was over. The Iron lady had become “The Rusty Wreck”, undernourished and in need of vitamin supplements. Young Cola had made a full recovery and the little bastard little pup was on a staple diet of sticky rice and fried beef or pork. The ” Beast of the East ” has been put to rest and Princess Wi is at peace once more…………. The next time you go to kick your dog, stop and think, it could be you that gets kicked out. Sat in your bedsit you’ll have plenty of time to think about the missus and mutt, both sat in front of a warm fire watching your favourite DVDs, eating those pork and apple sausages you really adore. A dog is for life, a puppy is for longer.

Credits

Photograph       Cartoon Dog     © Paul Moore | Dreamstime.com

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