This post is aimed at those of you who are soon heading to Thailand for your first trip and also the slightly more experienced Pattaya type tourist who is considering a jolly up country to sample village life for the very first time.
Big trouble in tourist Thailand, I wouldn’t go that far but it would have taken some explaining. I was in a Thai toilet, my camera primed, I wanted one more shot, a big one. My problem was the dim lighting, I didn’t want my camera to flash. I had visions of flashing being read out from the police charge sheet. I wouldn’t recommend taking photographs in Thai toilets it can be quite embarrassing.
You may think your first evening in the village is going well. You’ve certainly shown your girlfriend’s family how to drink and you haven’t had to empty your bladder all night. You really are one amazing falang.
Uncle Boon has collapsed in a drunken heap and proven to you that Thai vomit has just as much tomato in it as the western variety. Uncle Sakchai staggered off into the jungle singing a strange sounding lullaby about one hour before and is yet to return. You glance over at Grandma’s dentures fizzing away in a half drank whisky and soda as your girlfriends brother snores loudly in his sleep with a Marlboro cigarette still burning in his hand. You really are one smart falang.
The hot and sticky night takes a turn as a gentle cooling wind starts to stir, and as your body temperature lowers your bladder swells to twice the size. Hey Slackbladder, it’s time for your first visit to Grandma’s toilet.
Switching from Thailand to Taiwan here’s a story that Slackbladder might like to read before he shuts the door in Grandma’s bathroom. It involves a toilet, a snake and a part of a man’s private anatomy. Snake bites man’s pe**s in toilet. Credit – Metro.co.uk
Thai toilets or squat toilets as they are also known are one of the main reasons for westerners deciding village life is not for them. The comfort of a hotel bathroom and the safety it offers is a world away from the village home’s outside or under house lavatory and the dreaded visit to it in the middle of the night.
Mosquitoes, frogs and lizards are part of the bathroom decor and stories of snakes in the washroom are not uncommon tales. Snakes don’t just slither through an open doorway they also pass through the waste pipe via the septic tank and exit out of the squat toilet. Squatters rights in Thailand are unheard of. Did I mention spiders. Aaaaaah!
Avoiding foods which may lead to an upset stomach is another consideration if you find the squat toilet an unwelcome and disturbing thought. A spicy salad (som tum) with its red hot chillies should be avoided because being full with som tum is a receipe for a disastrous night. Many a brave man has visited the hong nam in the middle of the night with his Thai girlfriend stood guard outside.
‘ Dah…ling, you okay. Village have no snake and man next house eat all spiders. Frog your friend. Ching ching.’
If nature does call you one dark night just after thunder and lightning has laid low the village electricity supply, Beyond The Mango Juice offers you five songs to upload onto your iPod to keep you company whilst you squat your bot a few metres from a septic tank full of cobras.
Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile) – Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel
Once Bitten Twice Shy – Ian Hunter
Oh What A Night – The Dells
Why Do Fools Fall In Love – Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers
Push It – Salt n Pepa
If you have any alternative songs then please drop them into the comments box and flush the chain after.
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