Is the World Cup Vuvuzela Coming to Isaan


I don’t bloody believe it. Football’s bloody vuvuzela has landed in Britain. Weekends will never ever be the same again. The Daily Star is one of the UK’s best selling newspapers and as you can see from the photo above, they are giving a free World Cup vuvuzela horn to every reader. A large percentage of the tabloid’s working class readers will without doubt take up their offer. I’ve got a strong notion the UK is about to suffer boisterous weekday nights and wild raucous weekends. Thank you South Africa.

I wonder what other far flung parts of the world the bloody vuvuzela might reach. Mmmmm.

Since football’s World Cup kicked off in South Africa on June 11th I’ve been wondering if Mr T (a former Thai prime minister) has been doing a little business with the bafana bafana boys in Johannesburg. Is football’s vuvuzela coming to Isaan. Red one’s of course.

The bloody vuvuzela (photo by flowcomm) has been likened to the sound of swarming bees, and its noise has also been compared to hundreds of car horns being blasted by infuriated drivers locked bumper to bumper in a traffic jam. I wonder if bees have ever swarmed over a traffic jam. That’s what the vevuzela sounds like to me. It’s goddamn maddening, perhaps they should make TV screens double glazed.

The recent UDD red shirt protests in Bangkok ended on May 19th after the original peaceful rally turned into civil unrest and destruction. Armed soldiers stormed the red shirt camp at Ratchaprasong intersection and now several red shirt leaders are locked up, and waiting trial on possible terrorism charges. Their submission for bail has since been turned down.

The Ratchaprasong protesters armed themselves with red plastic clapping feet in their fight for a more democratic Thailand. Could Mr T be about to equip them with another plastic weapon, as Isaan and their loyal red shirt supporters start to gear up for next year’s possible election campaign.

Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva’s hopes for hanging onto power for himself and his Democrat Party will hinge on running a successful election campaign. Can we expect to hear protesting red vuvuzela horns blaring away in anger at every Democrat campaign venue. Hardly peaceful protests, but they might be effective. Maybe that’s a little too far fetched in my way of thinking, but it did get me speculating as to what other uses the vuvuzela might have in the hands of a farang in Isaan.

Thai ladies do have a thing about sleeping. They can sleep any time and anywhere. The vuvuzela would be the perfect wake up call for a sleepy eyed village girl. Just gently place the vuvuzela bell end (honest that’s the musical expression) over your partner’s ear, and give one long blast on the mouthpiece. You may get a sharp retort but your horn will dampen any profane language muttered.

They say revenge is a sweet thing and with an alarm clock and vuvuzela, revenge can be yours on one of Isaan’s most annoying critters. Set your alarm clock to wake you half an hour before the ‘early bird’ cockerels start crowing. Lean out your bedroom window and rouse the noisy bastards with one mighty blast on your vuvuzela. To me that would be very sweet satisfaction. Do you think a deafened cockerel would crow even louder because I know some hard of hearing folk who talk with thunderous voices.

A yard glass (photo left, from Wikipedia) holds 1.4 litres of ale (beer) and is a near identical shape and size to the irritating African horn. You can take a seat in the garden and enjoy a yard of ale by popping a cork into the vuvuzela mouthpiece and filling the trumpet with your favourite Thai beer. After your drink is finished, clean the vuvuzela with a good long blow, which should also signal to your partner you need a refill. Heaven in the garden.

If you’ve ever stayed at a typical Isaan village Thai-stilt house, this one could be ideal for you. Thai toilets aren’t the most inviting of things and those ‘ideal’ homes have their washrooms outside. A visit to the lavatory in the middle of the night is always a last resort action. I may have the answer for those dark bladdered nights. The Vuvuzela Portable Toilet, and it’s very easy to make.

All you need is a watermelon (photo right) and your African horn. The device is assembled by ramming the vuvuzela into the top of the water melon, it’s as simple as that. The working model is then ready for placement by the side of your bed. The Vuvuzela Portable Toilet will ensure you get a good night’s sleep and be a great relief to you as well.

If you are an older ex pat then you should consider making two of these novel appliances. As we get older things tend to fall out, hair and teeth spring to mind. The Vuvuzela Portable Toilet can also be used as a vessel for keeping your dentures safe from harms way while you sleep the night through.

The Vuvuzela’s bell end is a perfect fit for false teeth (there’s a joke in there somewhere). But please do remember which one is for what during the dark shadows of night, because a mix up could lead to dire consequences. Blowing a red horn through yellowed stained teeth, might get the village locals guessing to which political party your loyalties really lie.

The world cup hooter is a resourceful village companion and can also be used to out-bark any soi dog as well as making a perfect ashtray, flower vase, cocktail shaker and giant ice cream cone. If you do have false teeth, poor eyesight and a weak bladder, please don’t eat any ice cream in bed. Beeeeeeeeep.

© 2010, Martyn. All rights reserved.

13 thoughts on “Is the World Cup Vuvuzela Coming to Isaan

  1. Martyn, I have been thinking for a while about writing about the Vuvuzela but couldn’t think of a context for Thailand other than perhaps that it tends to drown out the Thai commentary(no English available). This is not a bad thing since Thai commentators are even more boring than their English counterparts.

    Mind you you get some interesting pronunciations for certain players. Think of players names begining with L and R.

    Given the history of RSA and the Zulu nation its not to hard to imagine why the British were defeated at Roukes Drift if the Zulus used this secret weapon to soften up the enemy.

    Anyway great post that made a good breakfast read.
    Mike recently posted..Hilltop Temple Photo ImageMy Profile

  2. Mike the Thai commentary on football never really bothers me. The English one’s like John Motson and Andy Gray do tend to go on a bit, so it’s nice to watch a game without having to keep an ear out for the ‘experts’ views. Wayne Looney sounds about right.

    I didn’t think about the vuvuzela and a connection to Rourke’s Drift. I’m certain the Welsh Regiment would have enjoyed England’s so far abysmal performances in the World Cup. Perhaps the vuvuzela has softened up England.

    I was in two minds about either trashing or publishing this post. I thought it might read as a bit tinny and corny to some folk. I’m glad you enjoyed it and hopefully a few others might too. cheers.

  3. The Vuvuzela Portable Toilet? 😀 Hilarious. Martyn, where DO you come up with these ideas?

    Actually, the combo of watermelon and horn would work grand for taxi drivers in dire need.

    I was reading about the subject on a blog (don’t remember which one) where an expat gal in the back of a Bangkok taxi had the most disturbing ever experience.

    Sitting at a light, the taxi driver emptied the contents of his bladder into a bottle, rolled down his window, and turfed the lot out.

    So, what does one do in response to that?

    I know that I’d be rolling around in the backseat of the cab trying not to pee my own pants.
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  4. Catherine thanks for your thumbs up on the post. I was very near to trashing it(still a bit unsure about it). Do you get like that with some of your drafts on WLT, I quite often do with mine.

    Your Bangkok taxi story is a lot more hilarious than this post. Did your friend ever get into a taxi again. I reckon if she still does then she pays the driver only after putting on some gloves. Mind you if you are always stuck in heavy traffic the water bottle is probably a ‘handy’ aid.

    Have a good day.

  5. Martyn, it’s a fabulous post and I’m so glad that it made the light of day. Now I’m wondering at all the other goodies you have stashed back there.

    Yes, I have a bunch of posts that I’m unsure of. But it’s mostly due to revealing too much (too personal, too brazen, or even too brain numbingly lame).

    Maybe what we need is a forum where we can put everything up in its nekid glory… hmmm…

    I don’t know if she ever rode in a taxi again, but it’s most likely. But I doubt that she’ll be peeking over the driver’s seat ever ever again.
    Catherine recently posted..Learn Thai on Your iPhone: Thai Alphabet and VocabularyMy Profile

  6. “Thai ladies do have a thing about sleeping. They can sleep any time and anywhere. The vuvuzela would be the perfect wake up call for a sleepy eyed village girl. Just gently place the vuvuzela bell end (honest that’s the musical expression) over your partner’s ear, and give one long blast on the mouthpiece. You may get a sharp retort but your horn will dampen any profane language muttered.”

    Lol, you don’t get this effect with the hand clappers…great post.
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  7. Jon you’ve given the post another slap on the back, it must appeal to some people. Thanks.

    The red clappers do make noisy but effective fans if you clap them fast enough. They’re probably also great for swatting mosquitoes. I not sure if even the vuvuzela would wake up some Thai women although some of the bar girls are woken by the African ‘horn’.

  8. Catherine there’s no more goodies stashed away, once I trash them they stay there until I trash the trash. I would guess most bloggers get the shall I or not publish it feeling. It’s just some of us get the stomach churning twitch more often than others.

    I don’t think we need another Thailand forum. Just think of the abuse we’d get from some of those drunken Pattaya ex pats.

  9. I don’t have many finished posts that I’ve trashed. I’m always hoping to cannibalize bits into something else. That’s the idea anyway. But just this weekend I did throw away the skeleton of a series that had gone stale. They are still sitting in the trash, so are retrievable.

    Drunken Pattaya ex pats… have they waded back to shore? I heard it all went quiet down there.
    Catherine recently posted..Learn Thai on Your iPhone: Thai Alphabet and VocabularyMy Profile

  10. Catherine, Pattaya has been quiet for a number of years. Swine flu, bird flu, red shirt protests and the strength of the Thai baht have all hit the resort hard. Only the Christmas period gets busy nowadays although the present World Cup will have filled a few hotel rooms.

  11. “The bloody vuvuzela (photo by flowcomm) has been likened to the sound of swarming bees, and its noise has also been compared to hundreds of car horns being blasted by infuriated drivers locked bumper to bumper in a traffic jam.”

    That’s exactly what it sounds like! If I wanted to hear bumbles bees at a football match, I would build a bee hive

    I think the vuvuzela should stay in South Africa, keep it unique to this world cup lol.

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